By Christa Lodico, CRSS (Certified Recovery Support Specialist), NCPRSS / BHG Treatment Center Bessemer
I was asked this question on the day that I checked myself into rehab. Drunk, high, and oblivious, I sat there waiting to see what to do to reverse the disaster that my life had become. While checking myself into rehab with a million and one questions asked by seven different people, I was literally just going through the motions. I felt worthless, alone, afraid, and hopeless about myself. Was there even a chance I could turn my trainwreck of life around? I couldn’t see it. Every question felt like an assault on my dignity, who I was, and what I had become. I broke down into tears when the intake nurse asked me what I expected to get out of rehab and recovery. I thought to myself, “What do I expect to get out of rehab and recovery?” I was just trying to figure out why I couldn’t stop with one drink. Why did I need to escape? How had I gotten myself into this position? Why were others able to go out for drinks with their friends and I had no control? Depression had set in, and I was at rock bottom, broken, bankrupt and confused with nowhere to go but up.
The nurse handed me a tissue and repeated herself again softly, “Yes, Christa, what would you do if you were not afraid? Afraid of failing. Afraid of losing. Afraid of being rejected. Just afraid?”
The question itself was quite profound. I simply answered, “Everything! I would do everything I ever dreamed of and more! If I weren’t afraid, I would go back to being the person I used to be. I would stop giving into the demons in my head. I wouldn’t constantly worry about letting the people I love down and being a total failure at life.”
Christa Lodico, CRSS, NCPRSS / BHG Treatment Center Bessemer
Then she said, “Well, what is stopping you besides fear?”
I felt my fingers pulling my hair as I sat back and slid into my chair. A million thoughts ran through my mind. All the missed opportunities, the times I never even tried, the times I talked myself out of doing things because of one thing: fear.
A defining moment to cast out fear
As we talked, I began to realize that fear had told me I wasn’t good enough, strong enough to put up a fight, wasn’t worthy, loved, beautiful, and I would never be enough. I had lost everything. My family. My home. My belongings. My value. My self-respect. My happiness. My rest. My identity. My voice. I realized that fear had stolen everything of value to me. It had masked itself as this demon that took over my life. It all started to click. I began to see that I had allowed fear to own me. It was that defining moment in time that I cast fear into the fire! I decided that no matter what it took, I would cast out that demon and fight to become the best version of myself.
I started one minute at a time doing the “next right thing.” Each day I woke up with a new mindset. I decided to cast fear out and make each minute count. As time went on, I was able to finally look at myself in the mirror without throwing up. I took care of myself and made sure to do even the smallest task to perfection. This developed into a good habit and routine for me.
“The Next Right Thing” philosophy that I now lived my life by had me walking a straight line. When I woke up in the morning, the first thing I did was to make up my bed. That was the “First Right Thing,” and then each following task I did correctly and to completion. My bedroom, which was my home, now had become my place of peace. When the day was shot to heck and all was horrible in the world, I knew that at the end of the day I would go back to a clean room that was in order, smelled amazing, and gave me a sense of peace.
It’s been six years now since I made that commitment to myself and cast out fear. Now, I have a valid driver’s license. I don’t have to avoid cops because my record is clean. I keep insurance on my vehicle. I have a job. I have a roof over my head. I am building relationships with those I once destroyed in active addiction. I am not afraid to tell my story, to get into the trenches with those suffering and show them the way out. Most of all, I am not afraid to stand up and say, “My name is Christa. I am a person in long-term recovery and what that means for me is that I have lived a life free from drugs and alcohol since September 3, 2016.” I took the power away from those who put me down because I was no longer scared to face who I am. I am no longer afraid.
Christa Lodico, CRSS, NCPRSS, BHG Treatment Center Bessemer
Get to know your fear. What are you afraid of?
What fear is holding you back? Are you willing to chase that fear and dig deep into the root of it? To take it apart and understand its inner workings? To put it back together into something you can manage? To stand tall and proud and no longer allow it to paralyze you?
Start by reflecting on the things you have been running from. Pinpoint your fears and find solutions to overcome them. Write them down. Dump your mind onto a page of paper and reflect on what you have written. Be honest with yourself. What fear is holding you back? Sometimes it is simply just overthinking things. It may surprise you.
Once I set my goals to “do the next right thing” in every daily task, I was able to create a world in which I could chase and make my dreams become reality. When I held onto this vision, I was able to become the best version of myself. I found peace, happiness, and most of all, serenity.
How do you get out of your fear?
Maybe you just need to give yourself a break. How do you get out of your fear? Through my own battles with my demons, I learned that facing yourself in the mirror is sometimes an impossible task. Self-blame is detrimental to your progress but acknowledging your demons can become your greatest tool.
Coming to terms with trauma and understanding the reasoning behind specific thoughts or actions provides you with a deeper understanding of who you are. Understanding who you truly are and how your past has affected you is a huge step toward love and healing. If you never face the root issues, can you ever truly heal?
The first step toward change is often the hardest.
The first step toward change is often the hardest, but it is worth your effort. If you confront your own demons, nothing will stop you from becoming the best version of yourself. We are our own worst enemies, but I urge you to empower yourself. Confront your past, recognize your shortcomings, and start to understand your perceptions. Once you take these steps, it is then that you will become the person you’ve always wanted to be. I can’t promise you it is going to be easy. In fact, it is the hardest thing you will ever decide to do. However, I can promise you that it will be worth it!
